My grandmother...❣

Reminiscing my grandmother 

I really miss my grandmother. I am writing this blog in order to express and record what I'm feeling now. So I was heading to the comfort room to pee and then when i opened the door to the comfort room, i suddenly remembered, 'what if there's a frog?', so i was a little scared. But then that thought of having a frog in the comfort room took me to the time when my granny was still alive. 

I was also heading to the comfort room, but then when i opened the door, i spotted the frog. I was so scared because it was really huge. So i went to my granny who was busy organizing her stuff, and told her that i am scared of the frog inside the comfort room and asked her if she could come with me. She gently went by my side and i received a motherly affection or probably a grandmotherly affection. It was warm. I still remember the sound of her footsteps when she was accompanying me. She had a flashlight on her hand and she was walking very slowly cause she was already old. But being old, she still went with me--her granddaughter. I thought at that moment, 'what if my granny will pass away?'

I can't even fathom the fact that she will be passing away. Although I've been thinking of the numerous possibilities, I still can't accept the fact that one day she will suddenly say goodbye.

And now I'm remembering that day on the 22nd of April. I was at the debut party of Gail. And my granny was in the hospital, fighting for her life. And as i am writing this, I'm slowly hating myself for going to Gail's birthday instead of being with my granny. I was always like this. I never knew my priorities! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I also did this to my dad. I was not able to visit him cause I was busy watching korean dramas on my computer. When my granny was fighting for her life, I was there having fun at a friend's party. Throughout the years that she took care of me, I returned her love by doing this. Why am i so hateful? She was the one who took care of me when i was still a baby. I remember being fed by her slowly. She will give me rice and would pair it with soy sauce. She has always been this lovable. And i never care to return it. I WAS SELFISH. THIS IS ME.

I miss you, lola. I want to be by your side just like last time. I miss those times when you would always tell me to put my books under my pillow because it would help me gain knowledge. And those times when you would give me a blanket whenever i forgot to put one on my own. Those times when you would make me a hot chocolate when you think i needed one. And those times when my grand father would scold me and my brothers, you would always protect us even though you knew we were wrong. And those times when we would only watch shows throughout the day together. And those times when you would tell me your stories, although you often times repeated it, it was always good to listen to it. And those times when you'll sing me a lullaby, you've always been good at singing, what happened to my voice? And those times when you told me that you are good at dancing, you would always brag how you can dance the 'baili' dance. And those times when you would also brag about how good you are at speaking english, it always amazed me at how better you are than my mom at doing those english accents. And those times when you would randomly kiss me on the cheeks and on the forehead. And those times you would massage my legs and hands when they got tired. There were a lot of memories. It was good and bad, but those things made me even miss you more.

Although you took care of me, I didn't really paid much attention to you when you got older. When you started having those illness and you can't eat anymore, I was constantly annoyed at the fact that you're so gullible. You need to be taken care of every seconds. It made me think of how tiring it was to take care of you. And then it happened when the doctors needed to put tube in your body as a passage way to eat, you constantly complained at how annoying the tube was. You would always make ways on how to remove it, it frustrated my mom the most, cause you were noisy and sometimes you'll be able to remove it without us noticing. So we have to stay alert, not sleeping was the best way. Until all of us can't do it anymore, we hired maids to do it for us. I didn't know that those numerous maids that came and took care of you were very harsh to you. At that time, i really didn't look at how you always complained that you were hurting and you don't like them. You were wild and mean at that time, my grandma. But i never knew how hard it was for you, that's why i never understand. 

And then when we went to a vacation, we left you in the care of your son. While we were on vacation, my auntie told us that you can't wake up anymore, we were flustered. I was shocked and I realized that I'm still not ready for you to pass away. 

We saw you, lying helplessly on that bed, only relying on the machine. It was painful for me to look at you in that condition because i was never used to seeing you so fragile. I asked my church-mate if she could pray for you. She went where you were and prayed that you will get healed in the name of Christ. Instantly, you woke up. Thank you, God! And so we experienced God's amazing grace and mercy. I was happy at that time. 

 I really missed you. It was my time to see you and i held your hand. It was cold. And i was shaking. It was different. But the touch of your hand made me feel that I'm happy that you're still here, that God still gave me chance to share Jesus with you.

When your burial came, It was my statistic's quiz. I can't afford to miss it, so i missed the photo-shoot with you and the whole family. I realized that I put my school above you. I AM SORRY.  Although it would be the last moment to see your face, I had choose statistic's quiz over you. I AM SORRY. 

If i could turn back time,  I would not miss the chance to give you my time, to tell you that i love you, to be there with you when you needed someone to take care of you cause you can't do it alone, to listen to all the stories that you want to share (although i know that you'll be saying the same stories all over again, I would choose to remember that I was also like that when I was a child, and you were patient with me), and last but not the least, to tell you how much Jesus loves you.

I'm sorry that the message didn't get to you.

All i want is for you to know how much Jesus loves you, and how much I want all of us to be together in heaven with our creator. 

I love you, lola.

[CRESENCIA QUILLAS]